American comedian (1894-1956)
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
FRED ALLEN
Much Ado About Me
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
FRED ALLEN
Fred Allen's Letters
A good comedian can say things funny and other guys just say funny things.
FRED ALLEN
The Sunday Press, August 9, 1959
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
FRED ALLEN
Fred Allen's Letters
A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, New York Magazine, Mar. 21, 1994