American author and humorist (1862-1922)
I'm very fond of sitting quietly in my little room at home and listening to the landscape when the moon is up and the stars are out, and no end of times as we rattled along from Liverpool to London it sounded just like things do over in America, especially when we came to the switches at the railroad conjunctions. Don't they rattle beautifully!
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Mollie and the Unwiseman Abroad
I don't think there's much scenery to be seen on the ocean ... It's just plain water all the way over.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Mollie and the Unwiseman Abroad
My first impulse, when I recognized the on-coming of that mental state which is evidenced by the goosing of one's flesh, if I may be allowed the expression, was to turn out the fire and go to bed. I have always found this the easiest method of ridding myself of unwelcome ghosts, and, conversely, I have observed that others who have been haunted unpleasantly have suffered in proportion to their failure to take what has always seemed to me to be the most natural course in the world—to hide their heads beneath the bed-covering.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Ghosts I Have Met and Some Others
I'd just as lief hear a thing as see it any day. I saw some music once and it wasn't half as pretty to look at as it was when I heard it.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Mollie and the Unwiseman Abroad
I tell ye it was some work for me to get the knack o' readin'; but when it come it come!
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
From Pillar to Post
I would rather fall short of the expectations of the boxes than fail in the eyes of the gallery, where reticence in the expression of critical opinion is not exactly a conspicuous virtue.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
From Pillar to Post
Ain't the ocean that wet place down around New Jersey somewhere?
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Mollie and the Unwiseman Abroad
When a fellah's licked, suh,... he just natcherly kain't help feelin' sore, suh; but if he's merely ovdhpowdhed, suh -- why that's very different.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
From Pillar to Post
To live 'mongst lush and growing things
Is like to give the spirit wings.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
"Gardening", Songs of Cheer
What a mistake people make who say that the man who won't look you in the eye is not to be trusted! As if mere brazenness were a sign of honesty; really, the theory of decency is the most amusing thing in the world.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Ghosts I Have Met and Some Others
There is no physical method of combating a ghost which can result in his discomfiture, so I resolved to try the intellectual.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Ghosts I Have Met and Some Others
I've squandered smiles today,
And, strange to say,
Altho' my frowns with care I've stowed away,
Tonight I'm poorer far in frowns than at the start;
While in my heart,
Wherein my treasures best I store,
I find my smiles increased by several score.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
"A Smiling Paradox", Songs of Cheer
I do not know that it would be a good thing for any public speaker ever to approach the emergent hour with entire assurance and utterly calloused nerves. Such a condition might well bespeak an indifference to the work in hand which would result either in a purely mechanical delivery, or one so careless as to destroy the effect of the lecturer's most valuable asset -- a sympathetic personality.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
From Pillar to Post
Whate'er there be of Sorrow
I'll put off till To-morrow,
And when To-morrow comes, why then
'T will be To-day and Joy again.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
"The Word", Songs of Cheer
It made me excessively angry to be called a blooming Yank. I am a Yankee, and I have been known to bloom, but I can't stand having a low-class Britisher apply that term to me as if it were an opprobrious thing to be.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Ghosts I Have Met and Some Others
I recall that my first impressions of life were rather disappointing. I cannot say that upon my arrival I brought with me any definite notions as to what I should find the world to be like, but I do know that when I looked out of the window for the first time it seemed to me that the scenery was rather commonplace, and the mountains which I could see in the distance, were not especially remarkable for grandeur. The rivers, too, seemed trite. That they should flow down-hill struck me as being nothing at all remarkable, for I could not for the life of me see how they could do otherwise, and when night came on and my nurse, Dinah, pointed out the moon and asked me if I did not think it was remarkable, I was so filled with impatience that so ordinary a phenomenon should be considered unusual that I made no reply whatsoever, smiling inwardly at the marvelous simplicity of these people with whom destiny had decreed that I should come to dwell.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
The Autobiography of Methuselah
I put it in the fire-place to smoke it. That's the cheapest and healthiest way to smoke a pipe. I don't have to buy any tobacco to keep it filled, and as long as I leave it over there on the andiron I don't get any of the smoke up my nose or down my throat. I tried it the other way once and there wasn't any fun in it that I could see. The smoke got in all my flues and I didn't stop sneezing for a week.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Mollie and the Unwiseman Abroad
It is a safer rule, however, for the speaker to try to conciliate the hostile element, and it has been a rule of mine for the last five years to endeavor to locate such centers of frigidity as may be found before me, and then direct all my energies toward " thawing them out."
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
From Pillar to Post
Please do not steal my kitchen stove. If you need a stove steal something else like the telephone book or that empty bottle of Woostershire Sauce standing on the parlor mantelpiece with the daisy in it, and sell them to buy a new stove with the money. I've had that stove for ten years and it has only just learned how to cook and it would be very annoying to me to have to get a new one and have to teach it how I like my potatoes done.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Mollie and the Unwiseman Abroad
In the machinery of our existence there are probably more human cogs involved, which require our own individual attention, than in any other known mechanism.
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
From Pillar to Post