American comedian & actor (1896-1996)
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, Dictionary of Quotations
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, It's Better to Die Laughing than to be Dead Serious
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, The Ultimate Book of Quotations
I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, A Brick on the Head
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
GEORGE BURNS
Life Magazine, December 1979
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman -- or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, Hilarious Roasts, Toasts and One-Liners
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, Gotcha!
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, How Sex Works: Why We Look, Smell, Taste, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, Of Quips 'N' Quirks
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations
Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
GEORGE BURNS
Gracie
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, The Ultimate Book of Quotations
I know that show business is my life. It always was and it always will be. Nothing holds my interest like show business, nothing excites me more. There's nothing I think or talk about as much. I would hate to have to live without show business. When I'm working, I'm happy.
GEORGE BURNS
Wisdom of the 90s
I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, The Martini Field Guide
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, Suddenly Senior: The Funny Thing about Getting Older
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
GEORGE BURNS
Gracie
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them: a paternity suit.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Humor