American talk show host (1947- )
Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 3, 2014
Charles Manson was going to get married. He's 80 years old, and serving a life sentence in prison. Well, the marriage is off. And today I saw that his profile was back on eHarmony.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, February 3, 2015
Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Top Ten Sleep Recommendations From The National Sleep Foundation", Late Show with David Letterman, February 3, 2015
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 18, 2014
I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Nov. 1, 2011
You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, August 27, 2014
A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 12, 2014
At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, September 9, 2014
Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, September 29, 2014
Paul Revere had a time capsule. They opened it up after a couple of hundred years, and guess what they found? A stack of love letters from Barbara Walters.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, January 7, 2015
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations
Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Aug. 20, 2012
I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, Quotable Quotes: Wit and Wisdom from the Greatest Minds of Our Time
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Dec. 18, 2012
You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 7, 2014
If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Letterman Lets His Guard Down", Esquire, December 1994
Should I spend the extra twenty bucks for the sideburns?
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Top Ten Things to Consider Before Buying a Hairpiece", The Late Show
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Night with David Letterman, March 5, 1993