RITA RUDNER QUOTES
American comedian (1953- )
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My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
RITA RUDNER
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stand-up routine
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It's typical of the differences in a man's life and a woman's A man is allowed to wear boxer shorts that tickle his knees. A woman has to wear a slingshot.
RITA RUDNER
I Still Have It ... I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
Every once in a while I say something in the wrong rhythm and they don't laugh, I think: 'Oh my gosh, I'd better pay more attention'. It's like tightrope walking -- you have to keep your balance, you have to keep concentrated and you can't phone it in because the audience will sense it. I have to visualize my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.
RITA RUDNER
interview, The Jewish Chronicle, May 12, 2011
How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?
RITA RUDNER
attributed, Oh Baby, I'm Having a Baby!
I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
RITA RUDNER
official website
Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature -- marry a young one".
RITA RUDNER
Best of the Improv, Vol. 3, 2003
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
Buying something on sale is a special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it's worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
I thought AAA was an organization for really bad alcoholics.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half so you just make the best of it.
RITA RUDNER
interview, Huffington Post, March 18, 2013
If I go into a hospital, I want to come out looking younger.
RITA RUDNER
Tickled Pink: A Comic Novel
Fame for fame's sake is a completely empty experience. Fame should be a by-product (and not necessarily a good one) of achieving something extraordinary.
RITA RUDNER
I Still Have It ... I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle ... it wasn't mine.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine